Sunday 5 October 2014

The Confident Dormouse

        Are you shy? I mean really shy, so much so that it stops you in your tracks? I am. Now some people will read that statement and laugh. They know me and I've never seemed shy. They haven't seen me rolled in a ball, hiding under the dining room table with all the chairs pulled in so nobody can get me. They've not been there when I've locked the toilet cubicle, put the toilet seat down and curled up into the smallest ball possible. They've not been the person who has had to ask the price for me in the shop so I can buy a present.  They've not seen me when my heart beats faster, my eyes widen, my feet start tapping and I search for somewhere to curl up. They weren't on the university field trip with me when I considered walking into the sea and keep walking to avoid giving a presentation.
  I bet they've seen the barriers but not realised what was happening. Were you at scout camp with me the night everybody came to sit in the mess tent? Did you notice the table to my right, the washing bucket in front of me, the utensils box to my left and the tent wall behind me. Did you see me put my jacket on and sink into it as I looked across to the chef for reassurance? Every single person there was my friend but on mass and in my area I was unsure.
 If you come to one of my Ann Summers parties you will see I will always sit on the floor so I can be small. My rail will be behind me, suitcase to the side and paperwork forming the rest of the wall to keep my fortress intact. I will stand up for the presentation and I will move a wall to take orders but the magic circle is there to keep you out.
 Maybe you were on the infant P.T.A with me and I arrived at the meeting with you. The doors to the staffroom are solid and I am petrified of opening them. I always arrived at meetings with somebody. At the junior school I have volunteered for 6 years in a classroom. At break I take shelter in the office because I can't enter the staffroom when it is full of teachers despite being friends with them all.
  As a child I was so shy I would hide behind my mum or my sisters or my friends. There was a fear of being asked a question and a fear of having to ask . I couldn't be the first in a room in case there was somebody in there. I couldn't travel in somebody else's car. The number of times I had to be tricked into being given a lift somewhere still stays with me. People offer me a lift now and I turn it down then pluck up the courage to ask them for a lift. I'm sure that's the reason I often go to get in the wrong car when being collected as I'm so pleased with myself for accepting a lift I forget to check who is driving!
 
 At senior school we were allowed to wear our own clothes. I would keep my coat on so I could sink into it. There was a math teacher who called me the dormouse. She said she could see me sliding under the table, sinking into my coat and pulling it round so only my eyes could be seen and the top of my head. I reminded her of the dormouse in the teapot. I wasn't sleeping though. I would always watch and listen. I do that now too. I sit and I listen and I remember what is said but nobody notices me. That's how I like it. Being asked a question fills me with absolute dread. The fear stifles my comprehension of what I was actually asked. Let me sit quietly and watch and listen. You learn so much from listening .
  How then does somebody like me become chair of several committees, sell personal products to strangers and join community groups? I blame Ann Summers. As an ambassador it is my job to empower women and increase their confidence but that works both ways. I became an organiser by mistake. My husband told them I was interested in joining and I was too scared to say no. I practised in front of a mirror and I learnt the catalogue cover to cover. As long as I believe I know more than anybody in the room I am in control.
  Then came the PTA meeting where somebody was needed to give a talk to new parents to encourage them to join as the chairman had resigned. I plucked up courage from somewhere and volunteered. The head teacher turned round and said I couldn't do it as I was an Ann Summers organiser and it wasn't appropriate. At that point I forgot my fear and decided that not only would I give the talk but I would become chair too. I've been chair ever since - first at the infants and then at the juniors.  I surprised myself but found I loved the role. I could chair meetings because it was reporting on what had happened and organising events. I still have trouble standing in front of all the parents and tend to leave thank you for coming speeches to proper staff members. I still arrive 30 minutes before everybody else for a school fair as I know lots of people will ask me questions and I need time to sit in the office and gather my courage. (The head teacher always brings me tea and we talk through what needs to be done. I think she thinks I'm stressing over the fair but I know that will all be fine!)
 Twitter has helped me too. I can hold conversations with people I never have to meet. I can be friends without making eye contact. Then when I do actually meet these people I'm not so scared because I already know them and they know me.
  I put on a smile, I put on confidence building underwear and I face my demons. Most days I survive. Some days I take longer to get out the car whilst I gather my control. Last month I even did 2 things that are almost unheard of - I was passenger in the front seat of a car (even if I did put my foot on an imaginary brake at one time!) and I went to a social party on my own and even stayed longer than an hour! These are milestones for me because I AM SHY but I am now a much more Confident Dormouse