My Mum and Cancer

I have recently signed up to do a charity trek in aid of Breakthrough Breast Cancer and thought I would share my cancer experience with you. This won't be easy as when my mum was dying, 16 years ago, from lung cancer she asked us not to remember her like that but remember the happy times. For 16 years I have been blocking out memories but now feel it is time to share.



When my family are ill we make sure we are really ill! Not just a chest infection for my son but life threatening pneumonia. Not just a headache for my sister but 48 hours on a life support machine with meningitis. ( We were told first 24 hours would determine if she lived or not and second 24 hrs would determine how much damage there was. She was lucky and survived unscathed)

It was my mum however who had the biggest battles and unfortunately didn't survive the last. Her first fight was with breast cancer back in 1987. I remember her calling me into her bedroom one morning and asking me to look at her boob. She had a bit of a sense of humour like mine and I was waiting for some kind of joke but there wasn't one. I looked and she seemed to have a dimple where skin was being pulled in. She said she could feel something and would I feel. I couldn't feel anything but that might have been because I really didn't want to be examining my mum's boob.

She phoned the doctor's surgery and was asked if it was urgent so she told them she thought she had a lump. The doctor was very good and saw her very quickly. At the time she was covered by private health care so was sent to St Antony's private hospital. My uncle was, at the time, one of the top eye surgeons in the country and pulled some strings to get her seen by somebody he considered to be very good in that field. Results came back from the biopsy to say it was a malignant tumour and needed to be removed.

She went into hospital soon after that and had the lump removed. I remember her laughing when telling us about at a conversation with the consultant. He had said he was very relieved that he had only had to remove the lump as there wasn't enough silicon in the country to replace a boob her size! Apparently my dad had been in the room and had looked like he was going to hit the man, which would have been very out of character. It made my mum laugh and that was all that mattered.

After the surgery she did need follow up treatment. I don't remember if it was chemo or radio therapy. I know lymph glands were checked and I know she had treatment but my memory is foggy on the details. She used to say that she visualised the cancer cells and visualised little men with pick axes bashing away at it to remove. She had her own team of miners removing her cancer. I don't know if her positive thinking and visualisations helped destroy the cancer but it helped her stay strong mentally.

At the time we were due to be going on a family holiday to Florida. My then boyfriend, now husband, was meeting us there as that's where the navy was taking him. I remember mum being worried about a bikini or a swimsuit as she wasn't sure if she was lop sided. I didn't notice if she was. She was given the all clear just before we went away. That made the holiday even more special but the effects of her treatment did show on the holiday. We went to Wet and Wild and instead of being the first on the water slides mum just watched. She spent most of the time on the lazy river as she didn't have to do anything for that. She was sore under her arm and on side where she had had treatment.

After that life returned pretty much to normal. The consultant put her on some tablets that they believed would prevent it ever coming back. She had to go for regular check ups but the timing between these grew longer as the years went by. She was a 5 year survivor of breast cancer and we were delighted.

We had been lulled into a false sense of security though. In January 1993 Mum and Dad went on holiday to Kenya. Whilst out there she did some snorkeling. She had first tried it on our Florida holiday and really enjoyed. This time, howeve, she found it really difficult. Breathing wasn't easy. She went to the doctor when she got back. It was then that the lump in her lungs was found. By then I was married and living away. I can't remember when or how she told me. I considered moving home for a bit whilst she was treated but I had a job and a husband and a life to live of my own.
During the summer we went to visit and I announced that I was pregnant with my first child. I thought my mum would be ecstatic but she wasn't as enthusiastic as I thought. She told me she had always wanted to be at the birth of my child as she hadn't been there when any of her 3 children were born. I know technically she was there but all 3 of us were born by c section and back then mums were knocked out first. I told mum she could be my birthing partner as my husband wasn't so keen. I had it in my head that would be the case.

Mum was treated at the Royal Marsden in Sutton. The treatment was harsh and she was in and out of hospital. I wasn't there a lot of the time but visited at weekends. Mum started knitting again too. We talked about baby names and baby care whilst she was in hospital. We went to the library together one day and she was struggling with her breathing. People kept staring because of the noise. I could see the upset in her eyes. We had to go shopping for a hat one weekend too for my sister's wedding. The lady in the shop made a comment that mum had a nasty cold. I remember her snapping at the lady that it wasn't a cold, it was cancer. The poor woman looked horrified. I don't think mum meant to be mean but it was really hurting her by then. I remember her saying that cancer is a word not a sentence. We clung to that saying. We had to believe that there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

It was October when things got really really bad. I went to visit for her birthday. She had been in hospital but they let her come home for her birthday. When I got there she was on her nebuliser. She wouldn't let me in the room in case the fumes hurt the baby. She was still knitting a little yellow cardigan for my baby.

I went to visit again a few days later as she was in hospital. My dad had phoned to say that mum wanted me. I had been given time off by my boss to spend with my mum. He was a really grumpy old troll but he was very big on family and I was allowed as much time as I liked. When I arrived at the hospital mum was sat with a doctor and my dad. I went into the room and dad and the doctor left the room. Mum smiled and said she was glad I had come. We chatted and she told me I was her best friend. That was a lovely thing to hear as she was my best friend too. My dad came back in to say he was going home and said the doctor wanted to see me when I had a minute. I didn't have a minute, I was with mum.
The next day my sister came to the hospital with me. Mum gave us a cheque to pay into dad'sbank as he had some bills coming out. It must have been a Monday. She always did her books on a Monday. My sister and I did that for her. My other sister arrived the next day. We all sat around chatting in the hospital. I remember one Sunday my cousin came to visit. London's Burning was on the TV. He and I were chatting as we thought she was asleep. She suddenly told us to shut up as she was trying to watch TV. Her eyes were shut so we giggled.
I don't remember exactly when conversations were had. I know she commented that Uncle Ron hadn't been to visit. She said for a Dr who had a huge aversion to hospitals. I think he did come and visit one day but he didn't stay long. She laughed at his lack of bedside manner. Another day she told me not to remember her like that but to remember the good times. She told me how she had been to see ner Gran after she died and that was the only memory she now had of her. She didn't want that for us. She talked about snorkelling at Durdle Dor. When the cancer was getting to her that's where she pictured herself being. She didn't have men with pick axes but she did have a tranquil place to go to in her mind.
Slowly she got worse. My sister and I were sitting with her one day when the nurses came in. Mum spent most of the time asleep and we just sat with her. She was on lots of pain relieving drugs. The nurses needed to change the sheets. They rolled mum over and my sister and I stared at each other in disbelief.She had huge bed sores. They were weepy and horrible and huge. The nurses just rolled her round the bed chatting to each other. It was the most depressing, distressing thing I had seen.
Slowly mum spoke less and less. I would hold her hand and stroke her finger just like she had done for me so many times in the past. The sound of her breathing was gut renching. Sometimes she took huge breathes in and then nothing. My sister and I took deep breathes too and stared at each other.
On the morning of 20th October I had to leave the hospital as I had an antenatal appointment. I had wanted to cancel but with the stress I needed to make sure the baby was ok. I was given a lift to the train station and caught the train back to Fareham. I know I stood on the platform in tears and I know I found an empty carriage to sit in. A guard came round to check tickets. He pointed out I was in a first class carriage but my ticket wasn't. He asked if I was alright and told me to stay there.
I went to my appointment with my husband and then we drove back. I think it must have been in my mother in law's car as ours was still parked in the hospital car park. I hink my husband had borrowed it when I stayed behind but details are at best foggy. I know that instead of going straight to the hospital we went back home. We arrived at the same time as my dad and my sisters. That meant mum was at the hospital alone and that meant she must have gone as we wouldn't leave her on her own.
I was numb. I had let her down.When she needed me most I wasn't there and it was all the stupid baby's fault. That's what I thought because I couldn't face the fact she had gone. I had to go to the hospital to collect the car and I remember staring at her room. They were stupid thoughts in hind sight. The one thing that had been a positive was my pregnancy. Mum had read my notes,helped chose a name, felt the baby kick and wanted to be there. It was the bloody cancer at fault.
I went on to blame the sunbathing my mum did. She used to cover herself in olive oil to get a good tan. If she hadn't would she have got cance? My Granny blamed the exercise machines my mum used. Obviously if you lay on a machine that moved your limbs for you you would develop cancer! My dad blamed the wonder drug that would stop the breast cancer coming back. If we hadn't been lulled into a false sense of security would we have caught it earlier?

I'm not sure about time span. We had to go back to the hospital to the relatives room to collect the death certificate and her belongings. They asked if she had any jewelery and dad and I looked at each other. She had given us her rings to take home before because you couldn't trust people. It made us smile. Dad asked me to come with him to register her death. He didn't want to go on his own and thought I might be able to help. We also went to get quotes for her funeral. When she was in the hospital she told us we had to shop around for her funeral. We weren't allowed to just go to one place as they could rip us off in our grief. We needed to get a goood deal. I remember being in the car with dad trying to decide if we had been given a good price or f we needed to look else where. We couldn't face it and so assumed the price was good.
The joint bank accounts and mum's accounts were put on hold. Dad couldn't get to his money. It was ok though as the cheque mum had made me bank was meant to pay for her funeral. She knew dad would need it.
Her funeral was 2 weeks later, bonfire night. Her best friend was on holiday when she died so dad wanted to wait for her to come home. The day of her funeral was worse than the day she died. Evn the milkman left a note on the doorstep. There were 2 cars if I remember rightly. We followed the hearse from our house. I remember the hearse went through a red light and we followed. Mum was never very good with traffic lights, either stopping when they were green or pushing her luck when they went red. She even did it when she was dead! There were loads of people at the crematorium, some I hadn't seen for years. I wanted to greet and chat with them but it didn't seem right. I remember them carrying her coffin in. It looked too big to be her but I knew it was. I didn't want to believe it though.


That was the battle she lost.


So now I have 4 children who never met their Granny but who know about her. I am jealous of friends who still have their mums and who have great relationships with them. I am hugely greatful for the fantastic relationship I had with my mum when I see friends having trouble with theirs. My sister said to me that I wasn't mum's favourite. I'm not sure why she felt she had to say that. I know mum didn't have favourites amongst her children. I also know I was her best friend. She loved us all but we had a special friendship.

penny nash is fundraising for Breakthrough Breast Cancer - JustGiving

penny nash is fundraising for Breakthrough Breast Cancer - JustGiving

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For those that 'don't get' twitter

When I tell people that I tweet I quite often get odd looks and the comment 'I don't get twitter'. They tell me that it's just people telling you what they've had for breakfast and when they've put the kettle on. Sometimes it is just that but for a people watcher that can be quite interesting.
I guess twitter works best when you follow several people and you are followed by just as many. Some of my best friends are on twitter although I've never met them. I know them a lot better than I know my real friends and I know that if I need advice or somebody to talk to there will always be somebody there for me.
You can learn so much from what people tweet and really cultivate friendships. Take for instance @yesno94 and @lauraa_14. They had met each other in real life but didn't really talk or acknowledge each other. Then they started tweeting. It didn't take long for a friendship to grow on twitter which then developed into a relationship. They have been together 6 months so far and have friends on twitter spying on their relationship.
Twitter is more than a chatroom and more than just status updates. It is full of status updates and conversations resulting from them and you can make it what you want. It can be the first to break news, be used for good causes and creates debate. However you chose to use it twitter holds a lot. So for those that don't get twitter take some time to people watch, follow several people and start a conversation. You may be surprised where it leads!

A Year of Friendship

It was just over a year ago that my friend moved away to Scotland. In order to keep in touch I added her as a friend on facebook. This one simple act has led to a year of new friendships.
In her friends list was another mum from school who wanted to beat her husband in the number of friends she had. We knew each other to nod to in the playground but that was about it. When you are in competition with children or spouses to have more friends any slight acquaintence will do!
Jane and I became friends on facebook. I regularly updated my facebook status and challenged anybody to a game of scramble and soon Jane became a regular opponent. To say I'm competitive is a bit of an under statement!
As a result we started to speak to each other in the playground. Soon she started to suggest I join twitter. She thought I might like it! At first it didn't appeal but after a while I thought I would check it out. I joined twitter and my year changed direction completely.
At first I wasn't sure what to do. I started to follow @beachhut81 and her friend @skc0602. I did the usual thing and sought out some celebrities but that was about it. I knew there had to be more to it than that though. I started to look at who else was following the celebrities I was interested in. That is how I stumbled upon @clairabellejp and @i_is_sam.They were chatting about Dr Who and BAFTA and I started to follow.
I guess I would have remained a stalker but @clairabellejp tweeted to me. She asked why I was following her. I replied that her bio reminded me of me. She said that that was ok then as I wasn't an insane stalker. I replied that I was just a nutter not insane and we have been chatting ever since.
That's how it started. I looked to see who everybody else was chatting to and started to follow their friends. It's been amazing fun. So many of these people I consider to be friends even though I have never met them. I'm interested in their work and in their lives. I worry about them when they travel, I want to help them when they have a problem and I want to share in all the fun they are tweeting.

The Plinth Part 3

The trip on the Cherry picker (aka the Teleporter) was one of the most nerve racking things going. I thought I would take pictures from it on my way to the plinth but couldn't find my camera. I had had it in my hand before I got in the cage but didn't have it when in. The security guy went to search for it and then he remembered that I had put it in my suitcase!

I was being accompanied by an official photographer and an O &O operator. The picker started on its journey to the plinth and my twitter friends were walking along beside it. People were waving at me and I attempted to wave back but felt much more comfortable holding on tight to the railing!

It was as the cherry picker started to rise into the air that my nerves really took hold. The wedding smile was glued on but a strange noise was coming from my mouth. I was shaking like a leaf and I started to shiver. My lip was shaking, my teeth chattering and this strange buuuurrrh noise kept popping out. Poor O&O guy kept asking if I was OK and I tried explaining it was nerves. The closer to the top we got the louder and longer the noise got. I was aware of the microphone round my shoulder and wondered what on earth they would make of the noise at home. It hadn't dawned on me that they were already listening!

The lady on the plinth before me had been painting and I had to wait for her to bring her bits into the cage before I could leave. A pole was placed on the plinth and my suitcase taken on for me. I had promised my family I wouldn't sing on the plinth but started singing to myself and talking to myself in the picker. It was not my fault my microphone was already on.

I took a step onto the plinth and made a statement that I had made it. I'm still not sure who that was aimed at!

Plinth part 2

By the time I returned to Trafalgar Square I was already shaking and laughing with nerves. First port of call was to find @balloonbabboon who had phoned to say she was in the Square near the One and Other hut and was carrying a blue suitcase. A sudden panic that every bugger in Trafalgar Square was going to have a blue suitcase came over me but luckily that wasn't the case!

I found Julie easily so that panic was over. She showed me my balloon fairy and started sticking it on a display box. The box was weighted down with magazines inside so fairy wouldn't blow away. We sat talking but the butterflies in my stomach were making me too nervous to sit. I kept looking at my watch and although it was only 1o'clock and I didn't have to arrive until 1.30 I was itching to get inside. Julie was very calm and walked me round to the door where my bags were searched before I could go in. I left @balloonbaboon outside, with the lovely security lady, making my wings.

My suitcase had been taken in for me and lent against the wall. Having lost it once I was very nervous not to let it leave my side again. Karen booked me in and asked for my i.d. It was in my suitcase and I knew I had an excuse to go and grab it. I sat with my suitcase on my lap whilst we did a few security checks. We spoke about twitter and she said if I wanted to tweet from their computer I could. This evil plan sprang into my mind. I thought I could hijack the @oneandother twitter account and warn the hecklers off but I was so nervous I just declined the offer. I returned to the coffee table to fill in the paperwork.

Diane, the security lady, popped her head round the door and asked if I was ready to have my wings fitted. Very surreal. I filled in the paperwork and went outside to try on my wings. Outside was stood a lady with a camera smiling at me. I had never met her before but knew it was @halfwelshdragon. I'm not a touchy person. A good handshake is all you normally get from me but I found myself hugging this stranger that I knew.

Julie fitted my wings and I had a mini photo shoot outside before going back indoors. Really nice guy then asked me if I wanted to do my interview then. I didn't catch his name, although I wish I had. He took me through into a little room where I sat down to be interviewed by him. We chatted first and he had been on the plinth the day before (He is under the name of Aussie bum if you want to have a look).

The interview was an odd thing too. I was asked why I had applied and various other questions and I found myself smiling and laughing throughout. I( was so nervous I think I had wedding day smile syndrome. I put the smile on outside and it was glued there from that moment on. )
Aussiebum caught me by surprise though. He asked what my hopes and fears were for now and the future. My first answer was 'My fear is heights and I hope I don't fall off' Then I started to think about the question. My mum and her cancer came into my mind.

My fear is that because my mum had cancer my children are more at risk. My hope is that by taking part on the plinth I can raise some money to find a cure for this disease. I cannot protect my family from it and I don't want them to suffer the way my mum did. This is all I can do.

The smile went. I had planned on talking about my Mum on the plinth in detail but that went out the window then too as I knew that that would just bring tears. I wanted to celebrate and have fun on the plinth but get a message across. Crying was not in my plan. I recovered my composure and got ready for my photos. When I was told it was a full length shot I panicked at the state of my shoes! I went and got my balloons to stand in front so nobody could see my feet.

Time was going by quickly now and the colleywobbles began again. I sat back in my seat at the table watching the plinth through the window. Suddenly a gentleman was speaking to me. He introduced himself as ..... and I looked at him blankly. 'You may know me as Myrtle' The relief that I felt when I found somebody I knew was just amazing. I had been talking to Myrtle on twitter and had even made him biscuits which I was promptly shoving into his hands. All the nerves went as he talked me through the cameras and the best way to do things. Unfortunately he had to go but I was pleased that I was going to be in safe hands.

Next the cherry picker guy came to chat. He and the security guy needed to look in the box the balloon fairy was on so cut it open and a pile of wedding magazines fell out. They then struggled to get them back in and stick the box back together. I had planned on blowing up my rabbit at this point but events over took. We had to go outside and have my bags searched again. This time when we went out there was a group of my twitter followers waiting, including @beachhut81. Checks were done and it was time to get on the cherry picker. (The operators didn't like me calling it that though. Apparently its a telescopic something or other) ....

The Plinth part 1

Its been a week since my plinth adventure finished. No, its been a week since I appeared on the plinth but the adventure is far from over!

The week of plinth was manic. So much was going on in my own World that plinth preparation wasn't as organised as it could have been. I love to leave things to the last minute!!!! Part of that wasn't my fault though.

On the Monday Cancer Research UK finally got in touch. They were really looking forward to my plinth stint and wanted to help. They organised sending me balloons, t shirt and banner. Everything was falling into place.

On Tuesday I started to write a list of people I wanted to include in my follow Fridays and put them into categories that I thought summed them up. I had over 200 names on my list so tried to whittle it down. Some were extremely important to me to include so they were first on my list!

I couldn't go without mentioning @beachhut81, @halfwelshdragon @batonabike @mediocre_mum as they were responsible for making me apply in the first place. I had to mention the Watts brothers @danjwatts, @samwattsmusic and @joby2000 . These guys have grown on me so much I consider them family despite having never met them! Its strange what twitter does to you. The plinth hecklers also had to get a shout out, partly as I was now one of the gang and partly in the hope they would be nice to me!

On Wednesday the bits and pieces coming from Ann Summers and Cancer Research didn't turn up and a slight panic began. I met up with @beachhut81 and asked her to write out my names in neat as my writing isn't the best! On my way home from a meeting that evening I popped in and was met with another dilemma. Jane had been experimenting with different ways of displaying twitter names and now I had to decide which to use. So much choice just added to my confusion so I decided to stick with my original plan. I took the sheets home to make a start with the intention of giving it back to her to finish off. I started about 10pm to write out names, a mistake as spelling mistakes were made.

The next day I waited for the post. I continued with my names list in order to distract myself from lack of post. I also baked biscuits to throw from the plinth as well as rock cakes.A parcel van turned up but with only 1 parcel. It was the Ann Summers bunnies and costume. I tried on the outfit, which fitted fine and blew up a bunny. It took 10 minutes to blow up which seemed fine in the comfort of my living room. By now I knew the Cancer Research bits weren't coming. I phoned them up and waited for a call back. The local shop had a T shirt I could borrow and a banner so I jumped in the car and rushed to collect bits before I had to collect kids from school.

I packed my suitcase, located i.d, wrote my notes. Each time I completed something it was put in my case. By now my nerves were really kicking in. I went to bed about midnight and was up at 6am. School days are always manic in my house but plinth day wasn't. I got up and prepared packed lunches, located all shoe, laid out school uniforms and prepared an overnight bag for my son. I got the kids up at 7.30 and they were ready to go by 8am. At 8.30 I drove them to school and handed sons bag to a friend. That's when I discovered I had left lunch boxes at home! Mad dash home, back to school and said my goodbyes.

It was at this point the shakes started. I had 1 1/2 hour drive to my sisters house but I was shaking like a leaf. I drove there planning exactly what I was going to say on the plinth so don't remember the journey. I reached my sister's house and she had forgotten I was coming and had company. She was supposed to be giving me a lift to the station so panic began to set in. Had a cup of tea and paced up and down the floor. Luckily my sister took the hint and gave me a lift. I was so nervous I made her come into the station and buy my ticket for me so I didn't buy the wrong thing. I said goodbye and went to stand on the station. That's when I realised my suitcase was missing!

I had had my suitcase in my hand since arriving at my sisters but it didn't fit on my lap in the car. I had put it on the back seat. For a second I considered going with nothing but me but all my i.d was in the case4. PANIC. I ran back to the car park just as my sister was reaching the traffic lights. Luckily they turned red and I ran. I don't know if I yelled but I do know I ran. She spotted me and realised what was wrong. As I reached the car she was just pulling the suitcase out. I grabbed the case and turned round to see my train just arriving at the station. I ran again!

I was so relieved to sit down on that train. My legs were shaking and my heart pounding. The thought of what had nearly happened was just awful. The train didn't take long to get to Waterloo but by the time it did my stomach was turning somersaults.

I found the right tube and started off again. When I was at university I travelled by tube for 3 years and never spoke to a soul but this day I started a conversation with the lady sat next to me. I told her what I was about to do and she wished me luck! I reached my stop and made my way to Trafalgar Square. First port of call was the plinth. I couldn't hear the girl up there so wandered off. My stomach was turning so much I went to Mc Donalds for chips!

The real preparation then began .....