Joining the Circus

When I was in junior school we were always asked to write what we wanted to be when we grew up. For a couple of years I wrote that I wanted to be a trapeze artiste. I'm sure Burt Lancaster had a lot to do with it as my mum used to love watching films with him in. Trapeze and the Crimson Pirate were both much loved films!
I remember always dreaming of being in the circus. I had a gold leotard that sparkled and wore gold tights. I would climb up a rope to the trapeze platform and the safety net would drop. I would start to swing and then fly through the air to be caught by my ankles by a man on another trapeze. He would swing me back so I would catch mine and continue the routine. I would finish by doing a triple somersault in the air and catching the trapeze before returning to the platform. The crowd would clap and cheer.
That was my childhood dream. It was shattered with the realisation that I was petrified of heights.I then decided I would be a zoo keeper or a marine biologist. I applied for a job at London zoo after doing A levels but was told I was over qualified so I did a degree in marine biology so I could have at least one dream come true.
I couldn't get the circus out of my system though. I met Jonathan the Jester at our local village fair and found myself booking him for circus workshops at school. It wasn't so the kids could learn circus skills but so I could. What fun I had watching and joining in. Every event I found Jonathan at I would gather up children to take part just so I could have a go.
For years I put a unicycle on my Christmas list but never got one. Then one day my husband saw one in the local bicycle shop. I rushed down to buy it. I've tried to master it but just end up splattered on the floor or covered in bruises where the pedals hit. One day I will unicycle up the street without the aid of a wall or garden hedge to support myself.

When I turned 40 I decided I had grown up. A madness hit me and I decided it was time to live my dream and learn the trapeze. I looked online and found I could do a circus workshop with flying trapeze. In my excitement I decided to practice on my daughter's four poster bed. The bending of the bar and creaking of the bed struts put a sudden stop to that! Instead I asked my sisters if the workshop could be my birthday present. They agreed and all I had to do was pick a date.
Life took over and got in the way and a year went by with the circus being at the back of my mind. Then a couple of weeks ago I visited the circus website. To my delight they had added unicycling to the list of skills taught and I also noticed they were on twitter as @circusspace It was the boost I needed. I chose the date, told my sisters and told Circus space.

I am now booked on to a circus skills course in October. I will learn how to ride my unicycle but more importantly I will be able to fly on the trapeze. I'm not stupid. I know 40, fat and frumpy is never going to look good in a gold leotard and I know in the short time I am there there will be no triple somersaults and being caught by the ankles. It doesn't matter. I will be able to say I have been on the flying trapeze. I can tick that box. All that will be left will be the zoo keeper dream!

I am really looking forward to joining the circus. I don't care that I'm scared of heights. I don't care that I'm not the most graceful person ever. I don't care that I fall over standing still and have no sense of balance. I'm joining the circus!

Do you know what scares me most? The thing I am worrying about most is entering the building! I can already feel the panic at having to go somewhere new and not know where I'm going. I'm scared about having to knock at the door. It's very silly but it fills me with dread. I'm glad I have started talking to Circus space on twitter as I won't worry about not knowing them but the thought of having to find my way in is giving me butterflies!

It's a fear I will overcome just so I can fly on that trapeze!